I haven’t written a post for a while and it has been for a few different reasons. I can let the simplest of details be the excuse or I can just tell you that life caught up to me, the way it does all of us. The real truth is I have been melancholy. I know I’m strong, my support systems are stronger. I am truly greater for my closest friends and family.

Purpose

I really can’t tell you that I feel I had a purpose before I met my wife Nicky. I have always been a kind person, never wishing to really bother anybody. I didn’t have any real plans and making a living was usually pretty easy, always finding something I was talented in.

Meeting Nicky, meant being with her and being happy became my purpose. It really is that simple and I can tell you that I the most fondest of memories from our travels together.

Memories

The holidays hit, the emotions and the mind are still very raw as time will near to the one year mark of her death.

I say melancholy because sometimes, I deny the sadness that is the reality of her death. That she really is not her. I have spoken of gratitude in my previous posts and indeed, being thankful for my time with Nicky has helped me.

Sometimes though, in living in the moment and doing my best to always be thinking good thoughts, my mind looks for her. I have to take a second and confirm the disbelief that tries to take a breath of air. I have to remind myself that it is all indeed real, and she is gone.

Support

Those feelings became very overwhelming at times during the holidays. I did my best to put on a brave front here and there but in the end a lot of differents broke me down a little.

I don’t want to admit that I am human, nor do I at all times wish to remember that no man is an island.

All great cliches, all related however acceptance at all times is easier said then practised.

I was there though. I had to send out a cry for help and I new it. I made a post to Social Media and I am very thankful that I did that. A cry for help, is a cry for help and I believe sometimes it is all you have left.

Inspirational

A lot of my friends responded, with great wisdom and solid advice. A few different people reached out to me and let me know that I was important to them.

They let me know that I was a strong person and that I was helping a lot of people by sharing my struggles to begin with.

I won’t deny it helped and it made me feel better.

Real Courage

Through this whole experience in losing my beautiful wife Nicky, I have come to meet some absolutely incredible people. Some tremendously strong woman who have overcome challenges that make them heroes.

Nicky was always kind and respectful, but she wouldn’t back down from protecting her friends, or the weak. She used to say that she was a bully to the bullies. Nicky believed in just standing up for what is right.

Strong Bond

One of the friends that Nicky met along the way, has a bond with me that she is not even aware of. In writing this post I will keep her identity a secret. In reading this post, she will know who she is. This friend, this incredible human being, I will call Hope.

Here is my letter to you.

Hope,

It is  thanks to you that I have been feeling better, closer to finding my true purpose since Nicky’s passing.  Creating this website has been a twisted set of emotions, a battle of how to celebrate Nicky’s life and offer love to anybody willing to listen.

In reaching out for help I want you to know that your story is that of bravery and heroism.

In reminding myself that somebody always has it worse, I think of you and the fears you face in facing your battles. I think of how you know the way the worlds looks at you sometimes, how you are judged before the real human being inside of you is presented.

You don’t judge the world itself and you offer only your own healing and redemption as an example that you can be better.  You have made mistakes in your life but you own them and you are making them right. There is never any easy way for a person to admit to wrongs, but you have and now you are on a better path.

THAT IS TO BE CELEBRATED

Thank you for sharing your experiences with me and confiding in me those challenges of addiction. Thank you for sharing how people treat you and how Nicky gave you the strength to continue and to be yourself.

The world is indeed a better place because you are here.

You are setting an example for anybody out there who is trying to overcome the same battles.

Nicky recognized how strong you were. In her death I have learned too and you are giving me hope to continue. I am finding purpose in this site, and in Nicky’s memory.

If you are reading this, and not sure if it’s you, I want to share one more thing with you. The memory of you and I share that is more like a pulse of love, a connection of energy or feeling. I don’t know how else to explain it, it will always remain in my heart.

When I was in Calgary, I dropped of some sentiments, including a box with an Ornament.

That Ornnament, said Hope. You gave it to Nicky when she was in the hospital.

When I cleansed my house, anything that brought real sadness was thrown away or given away. Some things it just seemed appropriate for me to return to the original owner.

In this case,it was you and every time I were to hold that box, I would smile and think of Nicky. Then I would think of you and I would smile and…relate to how much we both love her.

When I was walking away that day and I watched you walking up your steps. You were looking at down at the box in your hands and you stopped. I tell you I can still feel that same emotion with you.

Nicky was a strong woman who believed in being herself and living life to the fullest. I hope you know that you were an inspiration to her, and you have my respect and admiration. I am so thankful you are my friend.

Thank you Hope.

The Struggle is Real

At the end of the day, the struggle is real. No matter what you have faced in your life. No matter how good or bad you have it, you may not understand how something small, can be a huge challenge for somebody in life. And that is just with a lot of the things we can control.

I thank the friends that commented on social media for me, reminding me the struggle is real. Reminding me that there is help, no matter how much I think I don’t want it, or need it.

There are a lot of people struggling with many things. And that’s ok. It really really is.

It is ok to feel sad. It is ok to feel angry. It is ok to admit pain and it is ok to admit mistakes.

The trick is to make the call for help. Sometimes you need it.

Thanks for Reading. Thinking Good Thoughts. Love is Always the Answer.

justlovenobs.com

http://www.distresscentre.com/

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And it does. 

Since writing the about page for this website and trying to move on in my life, I have felt the burden lift off my shoulders.

The weight of the guilt and the regret has not disappeared completely but it won’t ever keep me from moving forward again. That continues to be the battle as it is for everyone in life, moving forward when you are not sure sometimes how.

I could not keep living my own life with the demons of my actions in my heart. Since losing Nicky to cancer and entering into the dating world again, I am finding my way again. Listening to my soul after everything I have experienced, pleasure and misery. My very purpose in life seems to be living in the now and talking about all the things in life that we are afraid to talk about.

The time is now to speak up. About everything and anything that divides us as human beings, not just in relationships.

I am not afraid to tell you that I have sought therapy since losing my wife and sharing my feelings.  My mind and my heart argue everyday about what I am doing.

Am I allowed to feel relief? Am I allowed to feel better and forgive myself? My wife forgave me before she died. In fact that was the point, and again where there is much regret. 

It is incredibly difficult to say it but the last few months with Nicky were happy and peaceful. We were content in being together and facing the disease, even knowing there was no cure.

Nicky had always said she felt as though she was going to die young. I believe now more then ever in the power of attraction and the laws of the universe.

It pains me to think back and understand what was going on in her own heart and soul to believe she would die young. When she did leave however, I still believe it is because she was pure.

Pure of heart, Pure of mind, Pure of Soul.

There were no lies in her heart and although there is no denying that Nicky may of had regrets, she was ready for judgement with her maker. Nicky was ready to enter the gateway into the next life.

I don’t know how many of us can actually say that. My demons haunted me during our relationship and part of the reason for me writing is indeed to help others find faith, and happiness.

Part of this whole story is the promise that I made to Nicky that I would never lie to another woman. Writing all of this is actually helping me to keep this promise.

Things are very different now. 

There is no way to be poetic about some of this. At the end of the day I want to put an end to the pain and suffering that I know is out there, that I can actually feel personally within my own bones.

We all know somebody too. We all have a relative, a son or daughter. A brother or Sister. Maybe you are in a dilemna.

As I continue to question my own motives, I have to ask myself everytime I think about writing something, what is it that I am hoping to accomplish?

Knowing that this isn’t just a little thing, knowing that the truth affects peoples lives every single day is what keeps playing over and over in my head. 

The biggest thing I try to remember and will point out is that every single relationship has a different dynamic. There are always things that contribute to the situation that does make some things easier said then done.

I imagine that most people will always wonder how Nicky and I could live in peace or with any happiness with what was going on.

That is kind of the point that my words are looking for the right way to define or put out here. 

In reading this today, the truth may set somebody else free.

Ultimately, if I stop another man from hurting their partner that is a great thought. I hope to raise awareness, awakening with any one who reads this of course.

I would be lying however if I did not say that it is the woman I want to empower. 

Not because I am a feminist. Not even really sure what that word even means these days. I used to think it was for equality which is something I already believe in.

No I am not a feminist but I do think that the way men, treat women, needs to improve. Having this conversation with different friends I always hear mention of the women that are out there that are just as bad if not worse then the men.

I cannot tell you that I agree or disagree. I have not seen very much of that.

What I have seen is a lot of women abused by men. Whether it be physical abuse, or mental and emotional abuse, this is what I see.

I have to speak up about it. I have to offer my own sins as examples and it has to get out there. 

Ask me if I think my wife suffered emotional abuse in our relationship and I will tell you yes she did. I will tell you that it kills me a little inside to know how I made her feel sometimes.

I believe that the pain Nicky suffered was worse then me ever hitting her physically, which  for the record I will say I did not ever. Period, end of story on that.  It is all painful and that is why I will continue to write about this and expose it.

Being alone and being single is not something I enjoy or am really used to I guess I should say. Talking to women and telling them my past can be rather awkward but it is what it is.

The sad part is that it is not so shocking anymore. That again brings me back to feeling weird about talking about it.

I don’t want it down played at all. I don’t want anybody to think that it is ok. Whether it is a man or a woman making the wrong decisions in their relationship.

Only you really know the inside story in your life and what you are doing. Only you know what is in our heart and only you have the vision of what you see happening in your future.

I don’t know what triggers will go off when people read my story and my advice. 

One person gets help, one person changes their life, one persons hears the message when they need too…

That feels right. That feels like it is the right thing. It makes my face cringe in a combination of tears and pain and joy and enlightenment at the same time.

That is why I move forward and that is why I want to help change what is going on out there a little bit.

I was asked if I feel like a hero doing this? Am I asking for attention? 

Am I enjoying this selfishly?

It feels good to tell the truth and yes, almost revel in the feeling. I still cry and breakdown when I hear one person tell me that I am brave or courageous in telling my story. They tell me that the world needs more truth. 

The truth shall set you free, and being free means living life and being happy.

There are not always happy endings to ever situation. We don’t think we are allowed to move on, or change things sometimes. 

My beat me stick was starting to kill me. Telling the truth seems to be the only way I can keep myself from picking up that stick anymore.

We are all human beings and our mistakes in life do not define us. How we recover, and empower each other does.

Thanks for reading. 

As usual, I just want to say, please leave a comment and let’s talk about this stuff. If you need somebody to talk to, about anything just let me know.

Love Jared.

It has been a long time, at least to me since I have posted anything here.  Of course there are a whole bunch of different reasons. A lot of them will probably be mentioned in this post. I should warn you too, especially if you know me; This post is going to be long. It is also going to be no holds barred, because I am angry and I don’t know where to put that sometimes.  This site is the place, these posts, they are about surviving cancer.

I don’t need anger management and some of the things I say here may offend people. I really don’t wish to do that at all. I just want to be able to live inside my own mind and it make sense to me. Dealing with all of it is really rough at times and I think I have heard every cliche in the book from my friends and my family.

I suppose that is where some of the anger kicks in.  I myself would prefer to think outside of the box, I don’t like labels or cliches, however there is always some truth to life and experiences and most times, these sentiments are there indeed to relate with us and carry us forward.

Cancer is something that just shows up one day and robs you of everything. There is no other way for me to put that. That is how I feel.

Somebody always has it worse and Love is the answer. So damn hard to remember that sometimes. But, again, cliche’s of the truth. They cannot be denied.

One of the things that does drive me is the knowledge that I am indeed still blessed beyond belief. Losing my best friend in the world has definitely given me a new perspective about everything I once thought that I knew. I am blessed because I am still here living, and I have the memories of Nicky’s love. I cannot help but question my existence and where is the meaning behind it all.

You know, about God and what happens when we pass. I don’t want to think of those things any more then anybody else out there does.  Unfortunately, one thinks this stuff when they are no longer a member of the it won’t happen to me crowd.

I envy all the people that are able to live without the little bit of edge. Although, that is where once again you realize that there is always somebody out there who has it worse. I think I have to use these thoughts and reminders to fight the anger and depression that comes over me sometimes.  The best way is for me is remember that we are all battling something every single day of our lives, this being a reason to always try to extend kindness is anyway that you can. That is what actually makes this world turn. Love is the answer right.

My own battle, and again not trying to offend has been even questioning what happens in the end anyways? Are we spirits? Is there a heaven?

I have to watch my words carefully because I will not pretend I believe in something greater then ourselves when we leave. I have made plenty of mistakes and I cannot even begin to tell you the emotions and thoughts that have entered my brain.

I can tell you about guilt, and remorse and ohhhhhh man can I tell you about regret.  I can shake my head and feel pings of pain for the things that I realize now, seem like such wasted efforts.

I can tell you about sadness, of course from all of those same things I just mentioned. And at times it can all be so overwhelming and what seems like an endless cycle, until the love kicks in again.

I believe it is always there, we all just see it differently. We as individuals all have our own moments of enlightenment.

There is nobody for me to be angry with no matter how much I want to scream at somebody.  There are days it sometimes, that it almost escapes me, the fact my wife has passed and not even a year has gone by yet. I live with her love and support everyday.

I have love and support all around me, and as I write this post, I know there may be close friends, school buddies, co workers and family that may read it. In this age of technology I am fortunate as we all are to be able to reach out. That was my wife’s greatest strength. She wanted to live life. If you were here friend then she wanted you to go on the adventure with her. If we met up with you along the way, then she would invite you to join us!

I’m here cause I have been bouncing back and forth between anger and sadness. Purpose and reflection. Even learning how to love myself and allow myself to live my life again too.

Nicky taught me what unconditional love was. I have promised her, myself and made a declaration to my family and friends to carry on her name. This means I have to live. And I have to share. I believe that is what makes me strong. Maybe I lose sight of that from time to time but it still drives me.

Think Good Thoughts!

Thanks for Reading.

When I stared this website, I knew at one point it would become a memorial, a true dedication to her. She told me when I started it she understood that. Nicky said if it could help us, or anybody out there, I should do it.

Help with what exactly, I still struggle with. I don’t have a single answer to any of the feelings that I have.  There is a void. I want this void to become my driving factor. My motivation and my dedication to my wife.

I am sad that I am here writing this post about her passing but this whole crazy idea was in order for my wife and her spirit to live on.  I may even sound selfish when I tell you I want to raise a lot of money and give it to a family out there. I would never ever want to relate to another man or woman  in this way, of this feeling but if I must I want to be able to help out.

There is not really a lot to say right now. The stuff that is here matters and Nicky’s Hobby Shop is going to be an Awesome little site to help spread awareness about cancer.

For me, I am grieving, and mourning.  I don’t want this void to always feel like a void because I don’t think that is how to continue.  Love is the answer and it will be what fills in the void.

Nicky Bosch passed away on May 27, 2017.  She died holding my hands and she was at peace with leaving this earth. Her last words in the final days or her life were simple.

Just Love. No Bullshit.

Think good thoughts.

I love you more.

RIP Nicky Bosch. 

I, Thank you for reading.

There are a lot of things said here, that are said for the reasons of comfort, and reminder.  They are things said not just here but all over the world every day as people cope.  When I write on this site I sometimes forget it was a coping mechanism at the time.  I hadn’t given any thought to what was coming in life.  I know I was blind to the news to begin with. As I have said, I created the website in what seemed a moment when I bonded with Nicky over her colouring talents. Things are not really getting better, so I really understand why you have to enjoy the time.

No easy way to say the timer is showing. Nicky was able to come home and be here comfortably. I have lost track of the last couple weeks because her care and comfort have been the only that is important. I comment people all over the world for their struggles. Just getting up out of bed some days is a step, no matter how mimimal it may seem.

The reality of what this disease is doing kick in, whether you want them to or not. There is a change of appearance and knowing your loved one is suffering snaps you back to earth.  I feel selfish sometimes for wanting her to be here at home, but that just is not what this is all about. She has to be comfortable. Nicky deserves that, as we all do.

My wife has accepted her fate. I have not. I don’t want to be alone at the home I bought for her. Our cats feel like kids to me. Everything is rather surreal to be completely honest.

I feel this, I feel the want to continue a legacy for Nicky. My wife has been the most positive influence in my life. My wife Nicky was in my life to show me how to love unconditionally and what that means.

How to look at the world differently. How to look at all the terrible stuff and just let it sit there. Can’t change it. Can’t let it make you different. If you do, you miss out on the only things that are really important. Living. Enjoy the time. You don’t know when your life my change. You don’t know if your path is to become a person who can no longer say, doesn’t happen to me.

Accepting that my wife is battling a disease is really difficult, knowing that battle is about pain and comfort. It is overwhelming and sad to think she might not be coming home again. I cannot hide from the fact and hauntingly so, my wife has encouraged to keep living, that’s what she wants.

I have mentioned love, and I will continue to spread that message, for Nicky, as she said, no BS.

This site makes me step into her world. There is positive in my emotion despite it’s pain. If you can relate, I hope you find something here that makes you smile. That was always Nicky’s goal.

Thanks for Reading.

Let’s remember, and I am trying to keep this in mind for myself, these posts are supposed to be positive and about our story.  We want to relate with other survivors. I use the word survivors because each day does have its struggles.  Coming home from the hospital is a victory!

We found out that some of the meds that were actually helping fight the disease were also making Nicky sick.  This is something I am sure a lot of people who are fighting medical conditions can relate with.  Sometimes we are guinea pigs for science and medicine and we really do have to shoot for the best. We are so grateful to the nutritionist and the pharmacist who helped Nicky out to make some of this feel better.

You live differently when your spouse is in the hospital.  Anything more then a couple of days can change all of your routines.  You don’t want to think about staying long but you can’t leave until you feel better either.  We are happy that we have made progress. We know the cancer has been sedated. We know what medicines work doing what and the best combinations. It has been a struggle but it has all worked out for the best.

Now that Nicky is back home the cats are happy to see!  Her and I have some quick plans and we will see how that goes. Take everything one step at a time. I think as you learn to live with the situation you find yourself continually thinking of how to relax. The answer is more love.

Being home from the hospital means life returns to normal and the house is full of love again.  It was lost a little, not Nicky’s attitude, but mine.  Her not being home for so long reminded me of how just being around her, calms me down. Being around her makes me want to protect her. I am always watching her, make sure she is safe. Might sound silly but I think chivalry is not dead, it is lost. The little things, opening the door, guiding along a path, watching nobody bumps her.  The state of mind where again, all your thinking about is her smile and her energy. Being away from her made me forget about the attitude of love. I missed her a lot and visiting everyday at the hospital reminded me of how much support she has always given me. I feel terrible for letting her down in that way. As usual, she set the example.

Love is an attitude and it is stronger now in our house. It will always be in our house.  It is how we have survived. Love will continue to be what takes us through each day.  Our Love will always be in our hearts. Good friends, Loving Family and going with the flow.  Now it is time to get back to the fun stuff. Like colouring and shopping, right?

Thanks for Reading. Hope You found something positive to relate with.