Welcome to Just Love No Bullshit. That is the name and there is a truth beyond this name that can resonate with every single human being out there. There is a beautiful love story written here. About love at first sight and both the miracles and heartache love brings. It is told without barriers because that is the only way to tell the truth.
This site exists because my wife got cancer. The site still exists because her story, and what happens in relationships needs to be talked about. I made a promise to her before she died, that is how it happened and why I am here today to tell people to talk to each other.
My wife Nicky, was beyond words when it comes to kindness and consideration. I was so blessed to be in her presence, as she was always living in the present, in the now. It was never thought of like that in her mind. Nicky just wanted to live life, love and be loved.
When I met Nicky, I knew I would be with her the rest of my life. That is not to say I could ever predict how we came to part in the universe, but I knew I would do anything for her as long as I was breathing.
I took care of her and she took incredible care of me. That was all that mattered in our relationship.
OUR BLIND DATE
Nicky and I met on a phone chat line system, without pictures before meeting in person. I was 8 years older than she was and it took a couple of weeks before Nicky actually said anything about that. I already knew when I did meet her, it didn’t matter because all we were doing was hanging out.
Our first date never really ended to be honest. Nicky and I were together from the night we met until she passed away. It seems so crazy to speak of but that is how our life together started.
For a couple weeks I just kept talking to her and she wanted to see me and I wanted to see her. It wasn’t about sex or drugs or anything else except we were falling in love.
I will never forget the day Nicky smiled and told me that she wanted to tell me how old she was because she wanted our relationship to be more.
We were two kids ( yeah, me at 24 going on 16 ) who suddenly felt the whole world wasn’t so bad when we were together. In fact, it kind of made sense, maybe that is what kept us together, through everything that I am about to share with you.
WHY I WANT TO HELP PEOPLE
I want to save other people the heartache and the agony that comes with the choices you make in life. There is no easy way to talk about some things, so I think you just have to talk about them, talk about whatever you feel is in your heart to share. The universe will make sure the right people hear the message at the right time.
My relationship with Nicky was almost 20 years. My greatest fear in life was losing her, I used to say that I could not breathe without her. I am growing and beginning to understand, that may be the very reason I am still here. Because I can indeed breathe, and live, and forgive myself for some of the sins I committed while we were together.
It hurts so much to think back and realize what it took to confess, that I had done things that hurt her.
Both of us being very sexual people, early in our relationship we talked about and explored bringing other people into our relationship. And while there were good and bad experiences with other couples and some single women, I was selfish sometimes. Seeking the ego of flirting with other women.
Let me tell you right now, man or woman, before you cheat, tell your spouse. You may be surprised to know they know, or want to hear it, need to hear it from you. That is why you married them.
If you tell them, and you break up, you are both set free and can love yourselves, and each other.
The fact is we did talk about it a lot, as there is a sexual lifestyle in the world. Consenting adults seek the attention and physical encounters with other adults. We sought out those experiences, I just often denied I was looking without her or talking to somebody.
I was not man enough to tell Nicky what was happening sometimes. Even though she knew. Sometimes I would seek attention outside of our relationship. There were indiscretions on a few occasions, 10 minute encounters.
I may write those words here to try and redeem myself a little , as I didn’t tell my wife early on, but I also didn’t have the wisdom until having the experience of my ways.
Nicky and I survived these indiscretions, on both sides leading into buying a house and actually making plans for the future. They were some pretty farfetched plans and I know we were dreaming a little bit but we were doing it together.
We took buying a house so seriously. To us, it was a castle and no matter what happened, no matter how bad things could ever get with money and life, we would be together and pay for that house.
The most difficult and painful part of this at times is letting the guilt take over the love that was there, that continues to guide me through life. The love that compels me to write this story. We were together and survived a lot of interesting things, like all couples and young people do. Happiness, joy, mistakes, heartache…
But we didn’t give up on each other ever, ever.
Our house was our home and the only thing I wanted to do was take care of her and love her. Try and make up for the wrongs that continue to haunt me.
I didn’t ever think that I would pay for my sins in this sense, but that is how I feel and it tears me up inside, as it should. There is no way to describe how it feels to ask for forgiveness for something you do not feel you should be forgiven for. Even as I continue to think about telling this story I wonder about those that will condemn me. Those who have been cheated on, and hurt.
I understand that pain. In my world, and in my circumstances, I loved Nicky with my whole heart and soul no matter how our story may be comprehended by an outsider. The ultimate truth is nobody can ever hurt me more than the pain that already exists.
The fastest shortest rest of this whole story takes up a few months before Nicky was diagnosed with cancer. She was sore and off work, trying to stay comfortable in a recliner. Not even laying down in our bed was helping. 3 months later, after repeatedly being sent home from the emergency, Nicky asked me to take there, and not leave until they admitted her. They did, testing of anything and everything.
It was almost a month in the hospital when everything came to happen. One day after her Birthday.
The phone rang and the hospital said that Nicky was unresponsive. I can tell you that from the moment I got the call, I knew she was not going to die that day. I knew we were not done yet. The word didn’t matter. My being just needed to be there. My mind was lost as to what was going to happen next exactly.
I got to the hospital and waited with Nicky, she was breathing but she was not opening her eyes. Her body would twitch from time to time and I watched her eyes race under her closed eyelids. I watched her chest rise up and down and I prayed that she would feel peace and open her eyes.
A team of doctors and social workers tried to comfort me. I cannot say that anything was pleasant or even promising. In fact, I actually asked all of them to stop telling me all the bad things that were still possible.
I just wanted her to wake up. I didn’t care what else was wrong. They didn’t even know for certain what was actually happening so I just asked all the nurses to just let me wait with her. It was finally determined a special medication had to be formulated to correct a chemical imbalance in her brain.
It was close to 11 pm that night before Nicky opened her eyes and stabilized. The doctors told her about the medications she was taking and what had happened. It was all a blur to both of us. I told her I was going to sleep next to her, as always she said she wanted me to go home. Nicky just wanted to go to sleep.
I think the next few sentences will be some of the most difficult for me to admit to. It’s not like there are not a few people out there that don’t already know. I have never spoken about it like this.
When I returned to the hospital first thing in the morning it was the first thing Nicky wanted to know, that was all she wanted to know. Nicky just wanted to know the truth once and for all.
Her mind was in a battle of self-control. She was battling cancer that was not diagnosed completely, all of the side effects of medicine to try and combat pain from everything, mixed in with the emotional trauma about the truth in our relationship.
What kind of man would I be to not give this woman the ultimate peace that she was looking for? All she had ever done is support me through everything we did together in life and I was so very ashamed to admit these truths.
When I confessed my sins to her, I don’t think I will ever forget her asking me…that’s it?
If there were any words that could bring levity of our situation, hers were simple and summed up everything that still tears me up. They were mistakes, sexual, financial, friends, family, you name it, life. But none of these things broke us living life, they made us stronger and we battled as a Team.
That’s it was the reply after I explained over the years there were a few encounters where I met up with a woman, awkwardly looked for the thrill of scoring in 10 minutes. Again, to bring any levity to the situation, this was all while my wife, with my knowing, was seeking other individuals to play with us.
The difference was I didn’t always want my wife there. And this was what led to her having her own experiences.
Nicky told me that her encounters were as disappointing as mine were.
That’s it. We both stared at each other through tears of bewilderment. Of course she wanted to know why I could never have just admitted it.
I don’t know why. I feel like that is my punishment. That is where the guilt is for sure. Nicky had to suffer through cancer and I feel like I deserve the pain I feel. I am not saying it for pity and there may be some who agree, who believe I deserve it as well. It is something I will always feel.
We both forgave each other. I even told her that whatever she had done didn’t matter. Because I still don’t care about how ever she coped with living through parts of this hell. This is why sometimes I feel like these demons are always against me.
I promised her that I would tell people about her story, and our relationship. I promised her that I would never lie to another woman in my life.
Just Love, No Bullshit.
Those are the words. Nicky looked me right in the eyes and spoke those words. She said that’s what a relationship should be.
There is enough bullshit dealing with life every day, be with somebody who will love you, and be honest with you.
I wish that my story was a little bit different, that I was part of the statistic of men who haven’t cheated on their spouse. The number is over half, that spouses cheat. That is sad to think about.
As I can’t change my past, and I can’t continue to let these truths be demons in my heart, I have to expose them and make a difference for real.
THE GOAL OF JUST LOVE NO BS
The goal here is simple; this about page is what happened and what led me here to this point in my life.
The website is still our story and will continue to be that. The answer is still love and there is strength in sharing.
Since becoming a widower and coming to terms with the loss of my best friend, I realize what living in the now and understanding your purpose means. And even though I make it sound like it’s all figured out in a sentence or two, there is some truth in the simplicity of it.
I never asked to be single, despite the irony of some of my confessions, I took care of Nicky and I loved our life together. Nicky took care of me, she loved me unconditionally. In return I tried to give her anything that she wanted. Things to make her smile, making her smile made me smile.
That’s why I did everything for her and took care of her till the end. It sometimes is my only solace to my own pain and guilt.
There was a day in the hospital, that Nicky was really upset. She was worried about something and I could tell that she was really bothered by it. This was a couple weeks after our healing and we knew that she had cancer. I was so scared because I myself couldn’t imagine what else could be worse??
Nicky told me that most guys would be long gone already…
I told her no…that wasn’t true. I said come on, it’s me and you right, I mean, I will say it, I would trade anything…do anything…but it doesn’t work like that.
We both knew that, we both understood but she was saying that she was grateful I wasn’t like other men, most would be gone the moment they found out she had cancer.
NIcky was thanking me for everything that I was doing for her. Bringing her coffee, taking her down to the ground in a wheel chair everyday to enjoy a joint and the outside.
I couldn’t believe it and, let me say, I know that all men are not like what she is describing exactly. I also know that there are enough men out there that are exactly like this and there is no easy way to say it. It is not acceptable.
Men need to treat women BETTER. Period.
I cried when I shook my head and told her not to thank me. Of course the guilt is extreme and that is even more the reason I told her I would never leave her side. My biggest regret if it is to remain with me, is not being a man sooner…and now…not being given the chance to redeem myself to her.
Not with her alive.
It’s been over a year since Nicky passed away. I have been told by friends that I have reached out to that she was indeed happy and at peace when she died. They have told me to forgive myself and to live my life and that is exactly what I am trying to do.
I tell myself that all of this stuff is important, and it is. It is what I hold on to. Nicky was taken care of the very best that I could, during our relationship and when it mattered the most. She told me that before she died.
Our last trip together ended with our closest friends and family, at a surprise party. It was on our way to that party, still unknown to her that she said she was happier than ever before in her life.
Nicky made some decisions at home in the next little while. She told me that she didn’t want to take the medicines and she didn’t care about the doctor’s advice. The cancer was incurable and she just wanted to be comfortable.
She said I hope you don’t think I am giving up. I said no…you don’t know how to give up. You keep smiling and opening your eyes each day. I told her I was here and I respected every decision she made.
A short while later, Nicky looked at me and said it was time. She expected to go to the hospice. I selfishly asked her if she was sure because, and she had accepted this more then I had, she wouldn’t be coming home.
It was only a couple days in the hospital before going into the hospice.
Nicky and I talked about everything that we had been through together. The sins of my past didn’t even matter. All Nicky wanted, was for me to be happy.
Live your life Jared, she said. No crazies. Love again, but no crazies.
I kept telling her not to worry about me, as I did the entire time she was sick. But she did, she loved me that much. She always did say I love you more, whenever I told her I love her.
Nicky told me, she did worry about me, but she will be dead.
The only other thing she wanted me to tell the world was to think good thoughts.
Think good thoughts, live in the now. Be happy.
It is hard to think about and relive from time to time, but her example of strength is still something that helps me. Nicky was at peace with herself and accepted she was about to die.
While being transported to the hospice, a paramedic was brought to tears because Nicky was so pleasant, following all instructions, in fact being a step or two ahead because she knew the routine all too well.
The young lady asked Nicky how she was doing, Nicky said I am great! She asked the EMT how she was doing. I don’t think the young lady was ready for this as she took a second to catch herself from tearing up. The EMT nodded and said doing good thanks. I don’t think she could believe Nicky’s consideration for others in that moment. It will always stand out to me.
Nicky was only at the hospice a couple days. I was called in at 9 am on Saturday May 27, 2017 because my wife told the nurses she was lonely and wanted to see me.
Through the course of this disease I never stayed the night with Nicky, even though I always offered and wanted to. She always told me, she wasn’t comfortable; she didn’t want to be seen like that. This was always when she was sick, but you can understand how it was worse battling cancer.
This made saying good bye often difficult, especially the last little while. Every night when I would leave I would tell her how much I loved her. It was her request that if she passed in the night, it was meant to be.
I knew when I left that morning, as I did when she was unresponsive, that this time, it was the last time we would be together.
When I got there Nicky just said that it hurt a little and she just wanted me to be with her while she waited for the medication. That is the easiest way to put it.
I lay next to her in a chair facing the other way. I took her hand in with my hand, and she held the button for her medicine in her other hand. When the light flashed, the nurses said she could press for the pain.
We lay there together holding her as I just closed my eyes. After a little while, I could feel she was about to leave and Nicky breathed in her last breath. Gripping her hand with mine pulling at my arm with all her strength. I said goodbye to her and held on with everything I had until I just felt her let go.
And now here we are today with all of the love and pain and suffering that is this website and part of my being here on earth.
There are truths written here and there is purpose here and I am learning that life happens for you, not to you.
I spent almost 20 years with the most incredible woman, a human being that was a true example of unconditional love and compassion. Our pictures together represent true love and a bond that couldn’t be broken by some life learning experiences.
I didn’t ask to be single despite sometimes my actions suggesting otherwise.
In my life with Nicky, ultimately, she knew I would die for her. The universe however has other lessons for me.
Times are very different now. Especially for a man my age, being single and entering that thing called the dating world. I don’t even know what it means anymore.
I don’t quite understand where the lines of loyalty have been so stretched. Even myself, admittedly hypocritical and yet yearning redemption.
We need to tap into commitment and respect for each other once again and from what I have seen, it is the male side of things that still stands for improvement.
There should be no such things as gender roles in a relationship because that is not what love or being with somebody is all about.
Nicky and I had one rule. We paid our bills and we took care of each other. Didn’t matter who had a better job or made the money as long as we kept on trucking. I loved the fact that I was able to work and afford us the life of travel and fun that we did have.
Along with some of the regret is the love that over powers, and I cherish all of the memories from our trips around the world.
A relationship is not 50/50!
It is 110% each day every day all day.
You both have to give, you both have to sweat it out and live with each other for what seems like hell on earth sometimes.
You are down, she lifts you up. She is down, you lift her up. Sometimes, you are both down and in those times one of you always finds the way to lead and change it up.
That’s how the real relationships out there work. That’s how the real men do it. They know their women are just as strong, even stronger than they are.
Women deserve the experience of mutual respect as well as being treated like the treasure in a man’s life. Being loved and honoured.
In battling my demons and exposing the truths, I hope to set a better example and relate to people on all levels. I have many things I can relate to people with, even if it seems to be sad circumstance.
I can continue to let the grief live or I can expose it and move forward in my life.
There are many people trapped in the same misery. My own closest friends have helped me understand why there is strength in sharing.
Just Love No BS is here because ultimately, I believe in sharing what I hope creates more conversations.
Get more couples talking. Get more married couples talking.
More open and honest conversations between men and women.
Between close friends and family.
We all know people struggling, we all know people who might be hurting.
There is healing in moving forward. I am closer to my definition, and Nicky’s of God. I don’t believe it to be a him or her…
I believe there is power in faith and following what some say is their inner voice. Your guide to life in this universe.
Living in the now, Thinking Good Thoughts.
If you ever need to talk, anybody out there, let me know. Love is always the answer.
All the best,