The world is going faster and faster and I forgot about the movie I’ve been writing. It’s been a while, been busy with that thing called life, but I miss writing, it’s what I’m meant to do. Write about relationships. Lately I realized, blaming yourself is the hardest part of an abusive relationship.
Those are very powerful words, each one of them to form the different meanings abuse has as a dynamic in a relationship.
Some of the words I’m about to write hurt me to the core when I think about them however they are still my truths and part of the poisons I still live with.
My words, my lies to my wife when she was alive were far worse then any physical abuse, which as I stated before never happened. Words are so powerful, they leave the deepest scars.
I can’t begin to know the dynamics of any relationship, especially in this day and age and what my generation calls dating, let alone what the younger generations are doing. I believe I will find another woman to love, take care of and be loyal, too. I want to find her live, and in person.
It seems most of us are caught up in what we believe is a relationship or a situation of convenience. The truth of the matter is only you know deep inside whether or not you are happy or not. That’s really all there is to it. Nothing else even comes close to being important.
When I battle the guilt of my sins with Nicky I also remember that we were happy in life. There is no denying that in the betrayal many a time she would suggest we break up and I told her I would leave if it ever came down to that feeling that there was never any hope.
The far and few in between these moments that actually kept us together is when I shared the darkest parts of myself with her. And the only reasons they are dark thoughts is because the world we live in makes us afraid to talk about any of it. Afraid to express ourselves, whether it’s about who we love or how we show emotions.
Those are the moments over a course of almost 20 years that kept us together. We loved each other when we faced the challenges that a couple goes through, and we did that together.
If you are not honest with yourself, then you can never be honest with anybody else in this world. Nor can you ever have a healthy relationship. You don’t look for somebody that is going to change for you, you look for somebody that you want to be with so neither of you has to change a thing.
You work together, you vibe together, you are present together. You love each other and you share every dark secret or fear that you have ever had in the world without any concern or worry about judgement, that is unconditional love.
We live in a world where we are afraid to offend anybody and that hinges ultimately on expressing yourself. Being different has always been something to overcome to face the world and be yourself. This means who you choose to express yourself to and whether or not they accept you. That’s the only thing that should matter. Loving another person does not cause pain to any other human being.
So you share yourself with a person, and feel love for them and to express to them. You have hopes of tomorrow and no matter how bad things get some days, you do indeed wake up the next morning ready to face a new day, with renewed hope. The cycle of life and the pursuit of happiness.
Only you can know that inside. Those are the reasons you are with somebody. I believe any other reason becomes your own denial or reasons for manipulation.
If it is denial it can be so many different things, and that is where only you can decide how to face those issues and how to move forward. Nobody should pretend these things are easy, I would be a hypocrite to say that, I myself has experienced great depression in facing all of these things.
I have also heard the stories and met women who have faced abuse.
If Nicky ever felt as though we should not be together I told her I would of left. The only thing I would take is the car. She could have it all. I would pay for everything cause that would be the only thing I could possibly do… to try and be a man about the situation. She deserved to be safe and not worry about rebuilding her world if we were not, if I was not the promise kept to death do us part.
And death did part us. And here I am living and breathing and sometimes wondering why. In dating, I have found that a lot of women are in denial, or worse, trapped feeling like they have no where to go.
I don’t have the magic words. I don’t have the instant answers except for one thing. Listen to what makes you happy and be honest about it. Otherwise I truly believe, the Universe, or Karma, whichever or however you would like to see it, will give you what you ask for in one form or another.
Of course I mean that for the people who know what’s going on. For those that don’t realize, maybe this message is the wake up call. I truly believe that everytime I write about something, one person is going to receive the message they need. It is true, that is what makes it all worth it.
Be kind to yourself. Be honest with yourself and be good to yourself. Those are all different things. You are the only one that can do it. And, if you have a partner, they should be supportive in every way and at every turn. If you are not happy, you can change it. You have nothing to lose. Just don’t blame yourself, understand that everything you have gone through has brought you to this point.
And everything is you have experienced is defining you and preparing you for what is next.
Thinking Good Thoughts. Be kind, live with morals and values. Life has no rules. Just Love, No BS.
Thank you for reading. Please share this if YOU think it can help SOMEBODY you KNOW.
