I haven’t written a post for a while and it has been for a few different reasons. I can let the simplest of details be the excuse or I can just tell you that life caught up to me, the way it does all of us. The real truth is I have been melancholy. I know I’m strong, my support systems are stronger. I am truly greater for my closest friends and family.
I really can’t tell you that I feel I had a purpose before I met my wife Nicky. I have always been a kind person, never wishing to really bother anybody. I didn’t have any real plans and making a living was usually pretty easy, always finding something I was talented in.
Meeting Nicky, meant being with her and being happy became my purpose. It really is that simple and I can tell you that I the most fondest of memories from our travels together.
The holidays hit, the emotions and the mind are still very raw as time will near to the one year mark of her death.
I say melancholy because sometimes, I deny the sadness that is the reality of her death. That she really is not her. I have spoken of gratitude in my previous posts and indeed, being thankful for my time with Nicky has helped me.
Sometimes though, in living in the moment and doing my best to always be thinking good thoughts, my mind looks for her. I have to take a second and confirm the disbelief that tries to take a breath of air. I have to remind myself that it is all indeed real, and she is gone.
Those feelings became very overwhelming at times during the holidays. I did my best to put on a brave front here and there but in the end a lot of differents broke me down a little.
I don’t want to admit that I am human, nor do I at all times wish to remember that no man is an island.
All great cliches, all related however acceptance at all times is easier said then practised.
I was there though. I had to send out a cry for help and I new it. I made a post to Social Media and I am very thankful that I did that. A cry for help, is a cry for help and I believe sometimes it is all you have left.
A lot of my friends responded, with great wisdom and solid advice. A few different people reached out to me and let me know that I was important to them.
They let me know that I was a strong person and that I was helping a lot of people by sharing my struggles to begin with.
I won’t deny it helped and it made me feel better.
Through this whole experience in losing my beautiful wife Nicky, I have come to meet some absolutely incredible people. Some tremendously strong woman who have overcome challenges that make them heroes.
Nicky was always kind and respectful, but she wouldn’t back down from protecting her friends, or the weak. She used to say that she was a bully to the bullies. Nicky believed in just standing up for what is right.
One of the friends that Nicky met along the way, has a bond with me that she is not even aware of. In writing this post I will keep her identity a secret. In reading this post, she will know who she is. This friend, this incredible human being, I will call Hope.
Here is my letter to you.
It is thanks to you that I have been feeling better, closer to finding my true purpose since Nicky’s passing. Creating this website has been a twisted set of emotions, a battle of how to celebrate Nicky’s life and offer love to anybody willing to listen.
In reaching out for help I want you to know that your story is that of bravery and heroism.
In reminding myself that somebody always has it worse, I think of you and the fears you face in facing your battles. I think of how you know the way the worlds looks at you sometimes, how you are judged before the real human being inside of you is presented.
You don’t judge the world itself and you offer only your own healing and redemption as an example that you can be better. You have made mistakes in your life but you own them and you are making them right. There is never any easy way for a person to admit to wrongs, but you have and now you are on a better path.
THAT IS TO BE CELEBRATED
Thank you for sharing your experiences with me and confiding in me those challenges of addiction. Thank you for sharing how people treat you and how Nicky gave you the strength to continue and to be yourself.
The world is indeed a better place because you are here.
You are setting an example for anybody out there who is trying to overcome the same battles.
Nicky recognized how strong you were. In her death I have learned too and you are giving me hope to continue. I am finding purpose in this site, and in Nicky’s memory.
If you are reading this, and not sure if it’s you, I want to share one more thing with you. The memory of you and I share that is more like a pulse of love, a connection of energy or feeling. I don’t know how else to explain it, it will always remain in my heart.
When I was in Calgary, I dropped of some sentiments, including a box with an Ornament.
That Ornnament, said Hope. You gave it to Nicky when she was in the hospital.
When I cleansed my house, anything that brought real sadness was thrown away or given away. Some things it just seemed appropriate for me to return to the original owner.
In this case,it was you and every time I were to hold that box, I would smile and think of Nicky. Then I would think of you and I would smile and…relate to how much we both love her.
When I was walking away that day and I watched you walking up your steps. You were looking at down at the box in your hands and you stopped. I tell you I can still feel that same emotion with you.
Nicky was a strong woman who believed in being herself and living life to the fullest. I hope you know that you were an inspiration to her, and you have my respect and admiration. I am so thankful you are my friend.
Thank you Hope.
The Struggle is Real
At the end of the day, the struggle is real. No matter what you have faced in your life. No matter how good or bad you have it, you may not understand how something small, can be a huge challenge for somebody in life. And that is just with a lot of the things we can control.
I thank the friends that commented on social media for me, reminding me the struggle is real. Reminding me that there is help, no matter how much I think I don’t want it, or need it.
There are a lot of people struggling with many things. And that’s ok. It really really is.
It is ok to feel sad. It is ok to feel angry. It is ok to admit pain and it is ok to admit mistakes.
The trick is to make the call for help. Sometimes you need it.
Thanks for Reading. Thinking Good Thoughts. Love is Always the Answer.