It has been close to a month since I have published a post here.  There are so many different mixed emotions when trying to continue.  Associating the grief I experience as well as all of the joy.

I think as human beings we often forget that we are meant to feel pain and grief.  It is a comfort of sorts to be able to comprehend this. And like everything else in life, easier said then done. Being in mourning, sometimes I even feel selfish in being sad or feeling guilty.

I experience every kind of emotion you can imagine.  Sometimes I just scream at the top of my lungs just to try and exorcise the demons within. Those demons are the feelings of no control and despair.  I feel like if I don’t release all of it, it will poison me.

There are so many different thoughts that enters your head.  I myself have recycled guilt and remorse along with wonder and joy.

Losing a family member to cancer is just so outside of the box for a life experience.

There are very strong people out there. My wife Nicky was one of them.  She inspired me with everything I do and made me a better man.  In my life the hardest things I have ever had to do is just say no.  She made me want to work hard for the important things in life, like our house, and our trips. Nicky did not know how to do a job half assed.  Her determination and her perserverance through everything challenge she had, made me want to give her everything I could.

Starting this website has been an enlightening experience for me and I feel lazy and selfish is some ways…

I just don’t know what I am supposed to write about sometimes. I feel like the grief takes over.  Sometimes I don’t want admit that it has happened. I still shake my head and actually review how it all happened.

No man is an island. I am learning this.  I have to remember that that is why I am here and for whatever reason started all of this.  Nicky was proud of me, and she was proud of us and all of our accomplishments.

Her support for me was undaunted. She never ever waivered.  So now, I must remember all of the important things that have carried me forward from this point.

That there are others that have it worse.  Love is the answer.  Despite my mourning for my wife, I am still growing and her influence in my life is as strong as ever.

I am here to prove something to her, and to myself.  I have always wanted to help people in life.  This is the worst thing to be able to relate to with another human being, but I can.

So let’s get back to living life as best we can. I am going to continue Nicky’s story. Her likes and loves and all the little things she would do to make this a better world.

Think Good Thoughts!

Thanks for reading.

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