I feel like I have been lost for a while. There are a lot of different emotions that I continue to feel since the passing of my wife just over a couple of years ago. Admittedly, it is getting easier, having said that right at the moment I feel like I have just been to hell and back. I ask you, How do you Forgive Yourself?
What does it mean? Exactly…and if you don’t understand what exactly it means, how can you do it…and if you don’t how do you find peace?
My big regret was cheating on my wife and not being completely honest with her. The pain that I am reminded of that dishonesty caused will always bother me, and teach me. I have realized though, that it happened and I am still here breathing. I didn’t murder somebody, I lied to somebody I loved.
Somebody I also took care of and battled life with for 18 years. Somebody who made me feel like I wasn’t such a bad guy and made me smile, if I could make her smile. I took care of that lady, she took damn fine care of me. The mistakes were mistakes, nobody can ever hurt me more then losing her makes me feel every day a little bit.
And that is just my point. I am learning we have to put ourselves out there. That is what my voice screams and shouts deep inside me.
I have to let this out, and I have to move forward from it and stay true to myself. I have to talk about the things that are inside my soul eating away at me.
There is a part of me, in losing my wife, that opened my mind up to all the positive possibilities there is in life to have. Instead of being mad at the world when she died, I had to learn that life happens just, and as long as my hearts still beats, I have a purpose and a reason for being here.
I don’t want to talk about suicide, for I can honestly tell you I am too chicken. I couldn’t do it, I don’t know what’s on the other side and I am so very grateful that I have not felt a pain so deep…that I am willing to find out what’s on the other side.
I don’t judge and I myself am trying to lose the bitterness or contempt a person feels sometimes towards other peoples successes. Finding reasons, or explainations for all of what Jim Rohn calls the mysteries of the mind. Some of the things that just don’t make any sense…that become huge distractions. Worrying about other people and their thoughts and actions. Not important.
But what about that pain that we feel. When we haven’t figured anything else out and we keep picking up the beat me stick from time to time. I am here trying to understand it for myself but enough signs and emotions have hit now and I am beginning to realize you just let it go.
Like anything else there is one day, it just hits you, the pain, or misery isn’t ever going to leave, it just sits there. Ready to be a distraction unless you put it in the junk drawer and leave it there. It’s always there, and ever now and then it might give you pleasure in one way or another from accomplishing your escape from it.
A lot of my own guilt and self punishment lies in the fact that I think our society is content on labelling and judgement. It is in our up bringing and what we are all taught. I don’t even think it’s anybodies fault really, I just think we have to take on new thinking as we move forward.
A person who becomes an addict, should not consider themselves an addict, if they quit.
I realize that may sound disrespectful to people out there fighting the good fight, but I really do believe we need a new may of looking at life and supporting each other.
We are all human being capable of great things. No man or woman is an island though. We are all fighting the good fight, I would like to believe.
Our life is a journey and never a destination, that is the balance and the mystery of it. I think if we can find ways to forgive ourselves, helping others just becomes a natural thing to do, paying it forward.
So understand that forgiving yourself means being in the present and understanding that everything that has happened good and bad has brought you this far. If its bad, there are lessons to learn, and if you learn, different bad lessons will come your way!
When the good stuff happens, enjoy every minute of it and relish the feeling, for it makes up for the bad, giving life that balance, as it happens just.
It’s all a process for everybody in different ways and different times. It all can be easier said then done. I guess I just feel like I got nothing left to lose sometimes, and the cage that my own mind creates sometimes, where my heart aches, is not a place I want to sit in.
I have the key that unlocks it, the same way I let my mind lock me in there.
A lot of this stuff, what ever your battling, put it in the junk drawer and remember it can serve as good. Some of these things will always be in that drawer, they don’t get thrown out. It’s allowed to be there and it’s part of your story.
Now on with life and living and finding new experiences, listening to your soul and what really makes you happy, when you give yourself that freedom of mind.
This one is close to home, I hope somebody out there can relate.
Thanks for Reading. Remember, Love is the Answer.
Thinking Good Thoughts.