So as life continues to move along, I deal with the death of my wife everyday, although some days are more fleeting then others. Life after your wife dies of cancer, for me has been a reminder to go with the flow.  That is what actually held Nicky and I together for almost 20 years together. I think back and I realize now that a lot of stress is created when you don’t go with the flow. Don’t get me wrong, I know it is easier said then done. There is enlightment however when you realize it can be easy, to do too.

The flow of my life has been losing the person that I thought I would die with. The person I said, I could not breath without. Some days it is just real and I just keep living. Some days it all hits me and it feels like she only just passed away yesterday. These thoughts are because I know I will think about her everyday.

The conflict that has been created in my heart, is letting go of guilt. Forgiving myself for how I feel about mistakes in our marriage.  Being able to move on in my own life not being able to make up for the pain I caused while Nicky was alive.  I know I loved my wife with all my heart and soul. I would of traded places with her in a hearbeat.  She loved me unconditionally and in the end, all I could do was love her and make her feel as comfortable as possible.

In her death I am learning what forgiveness means. For yourself and for others.  It is a part of love and it is a part of strength.  When we are able to realize that we are fallible human beings. We will live and learn in our life and we will experience victories and tragedies.

Our world is so much different from when I first met Nicky. So many things have changed including myself and how to interact in the world. However, when you keep going with the flow, it also help you realize that adapting to change and interaction is part of life. It will happen. And if you don’t go with the flow, it flows without you anyways.

My other battle sometimes, is a selfishness that I don’t even know how to explain. It, I think is confusing, in my own mind because it kind of is like throwing a wrench into going with the flow. If you have a wife with cancer, or you have feelings you can relate to, maybe you will understand. I feel selfish for my own emotions.

Whether those emotions be guilt or remorse, sadness or smiles. I get caught in a twisted loop and then feel selfish for not just moving on.

And here we are. Writing a blog about my beautiful wife and best friend dying of cancer and learning how to live life again. Love and strength in sharing. I have love to give. Nicky taught me that.

I am a strong person. Nicky recognized that and supported that. She loved me for who I was and she made me a better man for it.

Letting go means there is no time limit on my grief, or my happiness. There is no time limit in life. You don’t know what the plan is along the way because sometimes, the mind blows the map away. Marching forward has a new meaning for me. I don’t want my life to be about never getting over this. I want my life to be sharing this part of it.

Nicky was an incredible person and I miss her. I would want her to be happy, and ironically, I know she would move on if I had passed, appropriately.

Before I personally continue to ramble, I think I have made my point. For anybody out there, suffering because your wife died from cancer, I can relate. We are allowed to live and love again.

Think Good Thoughts!

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