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Expressing My Gratitude

That is where I have to start this journey. I can tell you that I am in a very different place. I can only think of very challenging times in my life where I have over come struggles before, that I have felt this way before. I want to say Thank You because I am feeling gratitude for being here, that I have the chance to make changes.

Dealing With Pain

There is nothing easy about losing your spouse. It is something that I wish I could not ever relate to any person about. Facing the world since my wife has passed has not been an easy process. I don’t even like to think all the way back to the first time Nicky said I have to accept the fact she has cancer. When she passed away, I think I decided I was going to stay numb. That I was going to pretend that I could just keep going and never face the truth about what has happened. There are a couple of options that come along with what has happened to me. I am not really interested in going back and wondering if we deserved this or not. It serves me no purpose to think back and regret the lifestyle we choose or how we made each other happy.

I Am Still Here

And that is why I am grateful, and that is why I have to keep going and do what I am doing. I believe in the feelings that I have and the thoughts and aspirations I try and visualize. I won’t deny these feelings anymore now that I am accepting what has happened to me.

Look Deep Within

We all have to listen to our hearts, listen to our guts, listen to our brains. We all have to listen to our bodies and decide how we are going to move forward. Chase our dreams and grow? Listen to the instincts like make you successful and try to challenge the ones that bring you down? When my wife was alive, I worked a lot. Too much when I think about it. I don’t regret it because that will slow me down. What I am doing is making sure that what I call work now, is work. I need to get things done and I need to do what is right. That means telling Nicky’s story and creating awareness for a whole bunch of different things.

Accept My Reality

Since my wife passed away, I have been dealing with the denial I was living in. Grief Does Strange Things To A Person. Thanks Mom for the reminder. When Nicky passed away, She was at peace with death. To this day, that still makes me wonder. I believe I am searching for that inner peace. So, I need to say thank you, because I don’t think I have thought about it until now.

Pay it Forward

​There is really no end to the list of people I want to thank. The friends and family that are closest to me. The support network that stretches out beyond borders because of the internet and all its connections. All of the doctors and nurses, paramedics and all of the hospital staff. From every department, when you have to live in the hospital you run into everybody doing their job. Nicky never ever wanted to be a burden to anybody however her comfort was the most important thing. Thank you again to everyone from the nutritionist to the janitors who kept her room clean. Thank you to the Alberta Cancer Foundation. When Nicky was first diagnosed and the medications were needed, they covered all of the expenses we couldn’t manage for ourselves. Thank you to our respective employers. Although I am not mentioning you here, know in our hearts, Nicky was, and I will always be extremely grateful for the tremendous support you extended. All of this was done for the comfort of my wife and I would not have been able to take care of her, as we did, without all of you.

Life after losing a Spouse

So as life continues to move along, I deal with the death of my wife everyday, although some days are more fleeting then others. Life after your wife dies of cancer, for me has been a reminder to go with the flow.  That is what actually held Nicky and I together for almost 20 years together. I think back and I realize now that a lot of stress is created when you don’t go with the flow. Don’t get me wrong, I know it is easier said then done. There is enlightment however when you realize it can be easy, to do too.

The flow of my life has been losing the person that I thought I would die with. The person I said, I could not breath without. Some days it is just real and I just keep living. Some days it all hits me and it feels like she only just passed away yesterday. These thoughts are because I know I will think about her everyday.

The conflict that has been created in my heart, is letting go of guilt. Forgiving myself for how I feel about mistakes in our marriage.  Being able to move on in my own life not being able to make up for the pain I caused while Nicky was alive.  I know I loved my wife with all my heart and soul. I would of traded places with her in a hearbeat.  She loved me unconditionally and in the end, all I could do was love her and make her feel as comfortable as possible.

In her death I am learning what forgiveness means. For yourself and for others.  It is a part of love and it is a part of strength.  When we are able to realize that we are fallible human beings. We will live and learn in our life and we will experience victories and tragedies.

Our world is so much different from when I first met Nicky. So many things have changed including myself and how to interact in the world. However, when you keep going with the flow, it also help you realize that adapting to change and interaction is part of life. It will happen. And if you don’t go with the flow, it flows without you anyways.

My other battle sometimes, is a selfishness that I don’t even know how to explain. It, I think is confusing, in my own mind because it kind of is like throwing a wrench into going with the flow. If you have a wife with cancer, or you have feelings you can relate to, maybe you will understand. I feel selfish for my own emotions.

Whether those emotions be guilt or remorse, sadness or smiles. I get caught in a twisted loop and then feel selfish for not just moving on.

And here we are. Writing a blog about my beautiful wife and best friend dying of cancer and learning how to live life again. Love and strength in sharing. I have love to give. Nicky taught me that.

I am a strong person. Nicky recognized that and supported that. She loved me for who I was and she made me a better man for it.

Letting go means there is no time limit on my grief, or my happiness. There is no time limit in life. You don’t know what the plan is along the way because sometimes, the mind blows the map away. Marching forward has a new meaning for me. I don’t want my life to be about never getting over this. I want my life to be sharing this part of it.

Nicky was an incredible person and I miss her. I would want her to be happy, and ironically, I know she would move on if I had passed, appropriately.

Before I personally continue to ramble, I think I have made my point. For anybody out there, suffering because your wife died from cancer, I can relate. We are allowed to live and love again.

Think Good Thoughts!

Thanks for Reading.