That is where I have to start this journey. I can tell you that I am in a very different place. I can only think of very challenging times in my life where I have over come struggles before, that I have felt this way before. I want to say Thank You because I am feeling gratitude for being here, that I have the chance to make changes.

Dealing With Pain

There is nothing easy about losing your spouse. It is something that I wish I could not ever relate to any person about. Facing the world since my wife has passed has not been an easy process. I don’t even like to think all the way back to the first time Nicky said I have to accept the fact she has cancer. When she passed away, I think I decided I was going to stay numb. That I was going to pretend that I could just keep going and never face the truth about what has happened. There are a couple of options that come along with what has happened to me. I am not really interested in going back and wondering if we deserved this or not. It serves me no purpose to think back and regret the lifestyle we choose or how we made each other happy.

I Am Still Here

And that is why I am grateful, and that is why I have to keep going and do what I am doing. I believe in the feelings that I have and the thoughts and aspirations I try and visualize. I won’t deny these feelings anymore now that I am accepting what has happened to me.

Look Deep Within

We all have to listen to our hearts, listen to our guts, listen to our brains. We all have to listen to our bodies and decide how we are going to move forward. Chase our dreams and grow? Listen to the instincts like make you successful and try to challenge the ones that bring you down? When my wife was alive, I worked a lot. Too much when I think about it. I don’t regret it because that will slow me down. What I am doing is making sure that what I call work now, is work. I need to get things done and I need to do what is right. That means telling Nicky’s story and creating awareness for a whole bunch of different things.

Accept My Reality

Since my wife passed away, I have been dealing with the denial I was living in. Grief Does Strange Things To A Person. Thanks Mom for the reminder. When Nicky passed away, She was at peace with death. To this day, that still makes me wonder. I believe I am searching for that inner peace. So, I need to say thank you, because I don’t think I have thought about it until now.

Pay it Forward

​There is really no end to the list of people I want to thank. The friends and family that are closest to me. The support network that stretches out beyond borders because of the internet and all its connections. All of the doctors and nurses, paramedics and all of the hospital staff. From every department, when you have to live in the hospital you run into everybody doing their job. Nicky never ever wanted to be a burden to anybody however her comfort was the most important thing. Thank you again to everyone from the nutritionist to the janitors who kept her room clean. Thank you to the Alberta Cancer Foundation. When Nicky was first diagnosed and the medications were needed, they covered all of the expenses we couldn’t manage for ourselves. Thank you to our respective employers. Although I am not mentioning you here, know in our hearts, Nicky was, and I will always be extremely grateful for the tremendous support you extended. All of this was done for the comfort of my wife and I would not have been able to take care of her, as we did, without all of you.