It has been a long time, at least to me since I have posted anything here. Of course there are a whole bunch of different reasons. A lot of them will probably be mentioned in this post. I should warn you too, especially if you know me; This post is going to be long. It is also going to be no holds barred, because I am angry and I don’t know where to put that sometimes. This site is the place, these posts, they are about surviving cancer.
I don’t need anger management and some of the things I say here may offend people. I really don’t wish to do that at all. I just want to be able to live inside my own mind and it make sense to me. Dealing with all of it is really rough at times and I think I have heard every cliche in the book from my friends and my family.
I suppose that is where some of the anger kicks in. I myself would prefer to think outside of the box, I don’t like labels or cliches, however there is always some truth to life and experiences and most times, these sentiments are there indeed to relate with us and carry us forward.
Cancer is something that just shows up one day and robs you of everything. There is no other way for me to put that. That is how I feel.
Somebody always has it worse and Love is the answer. So damn hard to remember that sometimes. But, again, cliche’s of the truth. They cannot be denied.
One of the things that does drive me is the knowledge that I am indeed still blessed beyond belief. Losing my best friend in the world has definitely given me a new perspective about everything I once thought that I knew. I am blessed because I am still here living, and I have the memories of Nicky’s love. I cannot help but question my existence and where is the meaning behind it all.
You know, about God and what happens when we pass. I don’t want to think of those things any more then anybody else out there does. Unfortunately, one thinks this stuff when they are no longer a member of the it won’t happen to me crowd.
I envy all the people that are able to live without the little bit of edge. Although, that is where once again you realize that there is always somebody out there who has it worse. I think I have to use these thoughts and reminders to fight the anger and depression that comes over me sometimes. The best way is for me is remember that we are all battling something every single day of our lives, this being a reason to always try to extend kindness is anyway that you can. That is what actually makes this world turn. Love is the answer right.
My own battle, and again not trying to offend has been even questioning what happens in the end anyways? Are we spirits? Is there a heaven?
I have to watch my words carefully because I will not pretend I believe in something greater then ourselves when we leave. I have made plenty of mistakes and I cannot even begin to tell you the emotions and thoughts that have entered my brain.
I can tell you about guilt, and remorse and ohhhhhh man can I tell you about regret. I can shake my head and feel pings of pain for the things that I realize now, seem like such wasted efforts.
I can tell you about sadness, of course from all of those same things I just mentioned. And at times it can all be so overwhelming and what seems like an endless cycle, until the love kicks in again.
I believe it is always there, we all just see it differently. We as individuals all have our own moments of enlightenment.
There is nobody for me to be angry with no matter how much I want to scream at somebody. There are days it sometimes, that it almost escapes me, the fact my wife has passed and not even a year has gone by yet. I live with her love and support everyday.
I have love and support all around me, and as I write this post, I know there may be close friends, school buddies, co workers and family that may read it. In this age of technology I am fortunate as we all are to be able to reach out. That was my wife’s greatest strength. She wanted to live life. If you were here friend then she wanted you to go on the adventure with her. If we met up with you along the way, then she would invite you to join us!
I’m here cause I have been bouncing back and forth between anger and sadness. Purpose and reflection. Even learning how to love myself and allow myself to live my life again too.
Nicky taught me what unconditional love was. I have promised her, myself and made a declaration to my family and friends to carry on her name. This means I have to live. And I have to share. I believe that is what makes me strong. Maybe I lose sight of that from time to time but it still drives me.
Think Good Thoughts!
Thanks for Reading.