And it does.
Since writing the about page for this website and trying to move on in my life, I have felt the burden lift off my shoulders.
The weight of the guilt and the regret has not disappeared completely but it won’t ever keep me from moving forward again. That continues to be the battle as it is for everyone in life, moving forward when you are not sure sometimes how.
I could not keep living my own life with the demons of my actions in my heart. Since losing Nicky to cancer and entering into the dating world again, I am finding my way again. Listening to my soul after everything I have experienced, pleasure and misery. My very purpose in life seems to be living in the now and talking about all the things in life that we are afraid to talk about.
The time is now to speak up. About everything and anything that divides us as human beings, not just in relationships.
I am not afraid to tell you that I have sought therapy since losing my wife and sharing my feelings. My mind and my heart argue everyday about what I am doing.
Am I allowed to feel relief? Am I allowed to feel better and forgive myself? My wife forgave me before she died. In fact that was the point, and again where there is much regret.
It is incredibly difficult to say it but the last few months with Nicky were happy and peaceful. We were content in being together and facing the disease, even knowing there was no cure.
Nicky had always said she felt as though she was going to die young. I believe now more then ever in the power of attraction and the laws of the universe.
It pains me to think back and understand what was going on in her own heart and soul to believe she would die young. When she did leave however, I still believe it is because she was pure.
Pure of heart, Pure of mind, Pure of Soul.
There were no lies in her heart and although there is no denying that Nicky may of had regrets, she was ready for judgement with her maker. Nicky was ready to enter the gateway into the next life.
I don’t know how many of us can actually say that. My demons haunted me during our relationship and part of the reason for me writing is indeed to help others find faith, and happiness.
Part of this whole story is the promise that I made to Nicky that I would never lie to another woman. Writing all of this is actually helping me to keep this promise.
Things are very different now.
There is no way to be poetic about some of this. At the end of the day I want to put an end to the pain and suffering that I know is out there, that I can actually feel personally within my own bones.
We all know somebody too. We all have a relative, a son or daughter. A brother or Sister. Maybe you are in a dilemna.
As I continue to question my own motives, I have to ask myself everytime I think about writing something, what is it that I am hoping to accomplish?
Knowing that this isn’t just a little thing, knowing that the truth affects peoples lives every single day is what keeps playing over and over in my head.
The biggest thing I try to remember and will point out is that every single relationship has a different dynamic. There are always things that contribute to the situation that does make some things easier said then done.
I imagine that most people will always wonder how Nicky and I could live in peace or with any happiness with what was going on.
That is kind of the point that my words are looking for the right way to define or put out here.
In reading this today, the truth may set somebody else free.
Ultimately, if I stop another man from hurting their partner that is a great thought. I hope to raise awareness, awakening with any one who reads this of course.
I would be lying however if I did not say that it is the woman I want to empower.
Not because I am a feminist. Not even really sure what that word even means these days. I used to think it was for equality which is something I already believe in.
No I am not a feminist but I do think that the way men, treat women, needs to improve. Having this conversation with different friends I always hear mention of the women that are out there that are just as bad if not worse then the men.
I cannot tell you that I agree or disagree. I have not seen very much of that.
What I have seen is a lot of women abused by men. Whether it be physical abuse, or mental and emotional abuse, this is what I see.
I have to speak up about it. I have to offer my own sins as examples and it has to get out there.
Ask me if I think my wife suffered emotional abuse in our relationship and I will tell you yes she did. I will tell you that it kills me a little inside to know how I made her feel sometimes.
I believe that the pain Nicky suffered was worse then me ever hitting her physically, which for the record I will say I did not ever. Period, end of story on that. It is all painful and that is why I will continue to write about this and expose it.
Being alone and being single is not something I enjoy or am really used to I guess I should say. Talking to women and telling them my past can be rather awkward but it is what it is.
The sad part is that it is not so shocking anymore. That again brings me back to feeling weird about talking about it.
I don’t want it down played at all. I don’t want anybody to think that it is ok. Whether it is a man or a woman making the wrong decisions in their relationship.
Only you really know the inside story in your life and what you are doing. Only you know what is in our heart and only you have the vision of what you see happening in your future.
I don’t know what triggers will go off when people read my story and my advice.
One person gets help, one person changes their life, one persons hears the message when they need too…
That feels right. That feels like it is the right thing. It makes my face cringe in a combination of tears and pain and joy and enlightenment at the same time.
That is why I move forward and that is why I want to help change what is going on out there a little bit.
I was asked if I feel like a hero doing this? Am I asking for attention?
Am I enjoying this selfishly?
It feels good to tell the truth and yes, almost revel in the feeling. I still cry and breakdown when I hear one person tell me that I am brave or courageous in telling my story. They tell me that the world needs more truth.
The truth shall set you free, and being free means living life and being happy.
There are not always happy endings to ever situation. We don’t think we are allowed to move on, or change things sometimes.
My beat me stick was starting to kill me. Telling the truth seems to be the only way I can keep myself from picking up that stick anymore.
We are all human beings and our mistakes in life do not define us. How we recover, and empower each other does.
Thanks for reading.
As usual, I just want to say, please leave a comment and let’s talk about this stuff. If you need somebody to talk to, about anything just let me know.