Every single time, especially since the death of my wife Nicky, I get selfish or distracted, I fall apart. There are certain things that I have a complete understanding about as I grow older, experiences to live and learn from. I know when I am most lost though, and it’s when I am the one saying, You know what you should do?
The sentence bothers me inparticularly for a couple of reasons. I suppose whats bringing out the writing is a combination of self destruction and instant healing all at the same time. In losing Nicky I have had to realize that being in the present means being focused, and unselfish. It means giving every thing that you have and believing that there is indeed a reason for it, despite some of life’s blessings appearing in disguise sometimes.
I have lost a lot of focus, and almost forgotten what is important in life. I have strayed the lines of the promises I have made and I have put my energies into the wrong choices. There is no easy way to say any of it but that is the whole point. Life isn’t always meant to be easy, I have not had it very easy, at times, but there is and always will be somebody out there who has it worse.
I got a little caught up in it all I guess. Some denial, some arrogance, a mix of raw emotion and convincing myself that I could let a certain apathy for life that I have felt return. This apathy was there before I had ever met Nicky, and we had both talked about it from time to time. Wondering, what our real purpose on this life was to be. Nicky herself, had a pretty rough childhood. She often said she considered this Hell, being on earth…BUT, we made a go of it just the same. And maybe that is what I miss the most right now.
I am searching once again for that feeling of, nothing left to lose. Confidence and believe in myself and all the reasons I still believe I am here, alive and well with so many blessings in front of me.
The last little while has been a struggle. I want to stare it down, I know what I should do…I should not be saying to anybody else…You know what you should do? But I have been.
I know we all need advice and wisdom from our friends and family, and sometimes we need to hear from someone close, you know what you should do?
It’s just not my place where I have put my energies and I have not been the bigger person in concentrating on myself, and my journey.
For a little while now. If I do think back the last little while. I stopped being thankful, I stopped giving and I stopped learning from my past, even though I put up a great facade.
Pointing the finger from time to time, or living in the illusion of how things used to be and whether they can ever be like that again, the way the were with NIcky.
Right now, I put it squarely on the anniversary of Nicky’s death. That’s where I am at, that’s what I feel and that is what is compelling these words. I feel like the lessons haven’t been learned, or maybe they haven’t been respected as feelings. That I will always have to be present and stay focused. I have come to realize I have been toxic to others in my growth, I understand those regrets now, when we are healing and we effect others around us.
It has been just over a couple of years now since Nicky has passed and I try to say that non chalantly. I have been dating, or interacting…or whatever it is we calling seeking a relationship with somebody these days.
I have met a lot of incredible women since Nicky passed away. I will not deny that one bit. Dating, has been enlightening to say the least. Again, it brings me back here.
I got lost in a few things, looking for the easy way and believing for a while that it could be easy and I could be selfish, that everything can just fall into your lap. Deep in my heart I know that it just doesn’t work that way. It even feels good to be saying it now.
I don’t believe that I am meant to be in a relationship with another woman, yet.
I don’t believe that I have accepted that my wife is dead, I don’t know how to put this part into words.
I think I lost sight of talking about it, and sharing our story. I got caught up in, spending some money and not listening to my gut. Not giving, not putting out the right message to the universe.
I did get caught up in a lot of you know what you should do’s.
Some of them have caused some great pains. Again more of the reason for being here writing this.
In experiencing these truths, from the very consequences of my own actions and thinking, I have come to remember, things don’t just happen, they happen just. There is a reason I am facing these realizations and there is going to be an answer for the different problems that I have created.
Such is life.
In reaching out, over the last few days, some excellent, kind words have been extended to me. The social network that can control so much of our daily lives and emotions, has been the help and support structure that I choose to look at it as.
I have been back to the gym the last few days. I am remembering that I am a force to be reckoned with, when I am focused, when I am honest with myself and those around me. I mean there, right there, that makes me feel good and the very reason I need to feel better.
I believe there is a message out there for everybody to hear when they need to hear it, or read it. Or see it. That is the all things relative part of life.
While I have choosen to fight the depression tooth and nail I have seen the blessings all around me and I have seen the right messages, heard the right kind words…even the right suggestions…
That is why I am here and why I feel better and why I want to move forward. It makes me feel like that is my purpose.
Is it selfish to want to share, that I want that part of attention, I want people to hear me. Not because I am going to say, you know what you should do…I guess just because I feel like if I share…that one person that needed to relate…or see or hear…or feel the message does.
That is my strength in sharing, that is my way of helping myself heal, helping someone else out there. Being the positive no matter how low life can seemingly bring you down…you can turn the page and write how the rest of your day is going to happen.
I was reminded to try writing and how beautiful life a can be when we just go with the flow. I am grateful for the blessings that I see again, and that I can indeed share, for the sake of strength, paying it forward.
Go with the flow. Remember life has no rules, live with morals and values, and be kind.
As Nicky would say, Just Love. No BS. After all, Love is the answer.
Thinking Good Thoughts.
Thanks for reading.